Battle: Los Angeles

2011

Director: Jonathan Liebesman

Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, and Bridget Moynahan

Plot: A Marine Staff Sergeant who has just had his retirement approved goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders.

Is Battle: Los Angeles a great new alien invasion movie, despite the horrible reviews its received? Is it watchable and fun despite lacking many qualities of fine cinema? Does it at least partially make up for the tragedy that was Skyline? NO! NO! NO! Battle: Los Angeles is none of these things and worse. I would watch Skyline five times in one day before I would endure this irritating snoozefest again, and just to be clear Skyline was the worst alien invasion movie I'd ever seen... until I saw Battle: Los Angeles.

Like most really really bad movies, its hard to know where to begin with the critique of Battle: Los Angeles. We could talk about the unpleasant hand held style incongruous and out of place with the big budget special affects driven imagery. This was especially irritating for me, because I assumed from trailers this movie might be mixing some traditional camera work with home video Cloverfield-type shots, but instead we got this weird jerky high-power camera work throughout with no interesting mix of point-of-views. We could talk about how bad the aliens are. I don't think they are as bad as everyone else, but they certainly weren't scary or in any way impressive in terms of creature creation. I could also note that 95% of the dialogue is complete throw-away. It occurred to me in the theater that this movie was a kind of antithesis to Quentin Taratino's Reservoir Dogs, where conversations, instead of action or visuals, literally are the entire movie. Battle: Los Angeles may as well be a silent film for all the insight the dialogue provides us, in fact, I'm fairly confident it would be more enjoyable that way. Maybe all of these previous criticisms could be overlooked if the movie had an interesting storyline to explore in this admittedly already overdone alien invasion genre. The movie follows a unit of Marines and it seemed at first that this military angle could have offered a different perspective from the more classic family with kids trying to evade aliens, but (surprise!) this opportunity was totally missed. We have family drama and standard alien evasion, just the order is jumbled from previous formulas. There's a long sequence on a bus that I imagine at one point in the filmmaker's minds was to be the meat and excitement of the middle of the film, instead nothing really happens. Some aliens get blown up, some military men get blown up, then we move along. Later the military group finds the master control alien ship, do they go in it? Do we get to see some interesting alien going-ons? No, we paint it with a laser a la Pauly Shore's In the Army Now and wait outside. And jesus, can we have a uniformed woman in ANY movie that is not Michelle Rodriguez!? I don't have anything against her but seeing her in this role is about as interesting as watching paint dry. There's a backstory with Aaron Eckhart's character regarding how he lost a lot of men while leading his last military mission. That might not sound like a very interesting backstory to occupy, oh, around 30 minutes of a 2 hour movie to you and me, but the makers of Battle: Los Angeles are gonna have to disagree with us there. Trust them, it will be emotional when Aaron Eckhart reveals how beat up he is about losing men, and how he's really a great guy and worthy of leading the men he's already been leading for the last 90 minutes. This lenghty emotional speech is so irrelevant he literally ends it by saying "None of this matters right now..." If only something had mattered, at some point.

Sidenote: Possibly one of the most unintentionally funny lines to look out for "Maybe I can help. I'm a veterinarian."

Easy A

2010

Director: Will Gluck

Cast: Emma Stone, Amanda Bynes and Penn Badgley

Plot: A clean-cut high school student relies on the school's rumor mill to advance her social and financial standing.

Emma Stone has been of interest since her first big break as Jonah Hill's witty love interest in Superbad. Her second big movie was Zombieland, and everything that wasn't Jesse Eisenberg in that movie was pretty good in comparison, so we'll let that one slide. Since funny beautiful young actresses seem few and far between I was excited to see that she got a big starring role in the high school comedy Easy A. Emma plays Olive Pendergast, an excessively witty teenager who lies to a friend and says she's lost her virginity. This news travels fast and Olive is the new slut at her high school. Pretty basic fare thus far, so before I continue I'd like to make a small diatribe concerning the writing for this movie. What is this weird Diablo Cody idea that all high schoolers are extremely witty and mature for their age, cracking dry sarcastic comedienne worthy remarks at every single possible opportunity? I don't get it and it fucking annoys me, because high schoolers can be genuinely funny, but its not because they sound like some fantasy person with a scriptwriter in leiu of their brain's speech center. Superbad was the perfect example, people were shocked at the language, but that profanity laden juvenile banter was so much more authentic and watchable to me than that bullshit that spewed out of Juno's mouth every five seconds. Easy A came close to really bothering me in this department, but luckily Emma Stone is genuinely funny and her character is at times very sophmoric, so she was a touch more relatable. There was a similar, too-funny vibe going on with Olive's oh-so-quirky family that at times worked and at times made me want to barf. This was once again probably saved by good acting, this time on the part of Patricia Clarkson and Stanley Tucci.

Ok, so back to the story. After everyone thinks Olive is a slut, a gay friend asks if she'll pretend to have sex with him to get bullies off his back. She does, and things quickly get out of hand as it dawns on the male population that if a girl will say she's had sex with you, or not deny it when you say it, then you can have the reputation of a stud with none of the work or know-how. This is apparently something men want in spades, and Olive is inundated with fake suitors. What does she get in return? Gift cards to Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Home Depot. This was shameless advertising that occurred many times without me even realizing it until I just wrote the whole list down, but still pretty funny. It seemed like something high school boys might realistically offer up for the price of a girl's reputation. I particularly liked Emma Stone's indignation when one guy attempts to give her a 20% off coupon for Bath and Body Works for her services. Damn there was another product endorsement! Then things get complicated when Olive discovers that being called the school slut really isn't that fun, particularly when you think a guy might like you when really he just thinks you sleep with people for Home Depot gift cards. The movie then quickly resolves itself in a not too interesting or entertaining matter.

The whole thing really seemed like some popular teen novel or better yet, graphic novel, turned slightly-better-than-mediocre movie, but my researching only turns up that this movie was based on The Scarlett Letter, something that is bashed over our heads many times in the movie. We get it, it is sassy that she willingly brandishes an "A" on her clothing. And I was willing to play along, but the fact that all of Olive's problems are resolved once the guy of her dream asks her out was a dumbed-down solution for a movie pretending to be a little bit smarter.

Alive

1993

Director: Frank Marshall

Cast: Ethan Hawke, Vincent Spano and Josh Hamilton

Plot: Uruguayan rugby team stranded in the snow swept Andes are forced to use desperate measures to survive after a plane crash.

Mr. Moneybags had never seen Alive, so I was excited when I saw he had obtained it. I still remember the shocking and mind-boggling experience of watching it when I was young and I was curious to see how the actual movie held up to my memory of it. But then Mr. Moneybags was real reluctant to watch it, fearing it may be too dark and disturbing, especially since its based on a true story. So one night when he wasn't looking I just turned it on anyway. The thing I was most eager to see was the depiction of the plane crash, when the tail gets ripped off in mid flight and whole rows of people get sucked out of the plane and into snowy oblivion. Although I was probably 10 or 11 when I last saw Alive, I clearly remember this scene scaring the shit out of me, and thinking I would never fly in a plane. Upon rewatching this scene I was not disappointed, and it likely made an impression because the movie cuts right to the chase and the crash happens within the first 10 or 15 minutes. This is appreciated since its still a major epic of a movie, going just over the two hour mark, but feeling closer to three. Obviously if they were remaking the movie today some better special effects would be employed for the big crash scene, but the effects were realistic enough that they did not distract from the sheer terror depicted. It remains on of the most horrifying experiences I can imagine, suddenly the back half of the plane is gone and you are just sitting there wondering if your seat is going to be the next one ripped out, into the Andes no less.

The rest of the movies was slightly better than I expected it to be, but I wonder how much of that is due to it just being a really great story. It certainly isn't due to the acting ability of Ethan Hawke, who's ooey gooey stoic cuteness wasn't even that charming at this age. I think it is exactly that real event aspect that makes me wonder what it would have been like to be in the plane, and keeps me engaged throughout the movie. Because of this, it seems more gorey than you'd imagine when the survivors start discussing cannibalism of their dead to stay alive. The second great scene of the movie is when they finally take the plunge and carve into one of the bodies on the ice. Its depicted so realistically, they aren't butchers, it isn't a nice piece of meat, they literally claw at the frozen human flesh with their hands, demoralizing enough and then they've got to eat it!

Besides the downside that is Ethan Hawke, I didn't remember quite so much "faith" and "god" stuff. I get that extreme situations bring out these aspects in people, and that maybe all of the real people were quite religious and that helped get them through, but it feels a bit heavy handed here, not quite on a Shyamalan level, but approaching it. However, considering Frank Marshall's other big directing projects were Arachnaphobia and Congo, Alive is clearly his standout film, and not just because it doesn't ridiculously exaggerate the predatory nature of a random animal. It can be praised for its simple achievement of taking an unbelievable but true event and depicting it in a realistic and compelling way, so that by the end of the film there is no way we don't feel that triumph with the rest of the survivors.

SIDENOTE (w/ spoiler): I was disappointed to learn that the final scene with these iconic men hugging and smiling was one of the few misrepresentations of the real story. The real survivors had heard on the radio that their compadres had made it to Chile and even put on their cleanest clothes for the rescue choppers.

The Gingerdead Man

Much to my chagrin The Gingerdead Man is NOT a Christmas themed movie (?!), and Gary Busey's involvement was minimal at best. So instead of taking the time to discuss its literary themes, I'll just share a few screen caps. Needless to say I don't think we'll be checking out the sequel Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust any time soon. Though I gotta say, if Gingerdead Man 3-D: Saturday Night Cleaver actually makes it to the theaters in 2011, I might have to check it out.

PS Isn't it hard to imagine how that little gingerbread man holds up that gun, let alone aims and fires it?

Santa's Slay

2005

Director: David Steiman

Cast: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith and Emilie de Ravin

Plot: Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

Since I like watching horror movies year round, I often have trouble deciding which horror movies I'd like to watch on Halloween. I love cheesy holiday films of every genre, but surprisingly Halloween-themed horror movies are harder to find than you might imagine (this year I forced Mr. Moneybags to watch Trick 'r Treat with me, not horrible, but unlikely to make its way onto Anna Paquin's resume). At Christmas time I usually go with the flow and watch all those sappy xmas classics, little did I know that the Christmas/horror merge not only existed, but was rather prolific! I was delighted to find how many options I had to choose from, there were even well-researched lists online to direct me to the more choice movies in this genre. Unfortunately, when I took my list of Christmas horror movies to my video store, some ass clown had the same idea (and list) and had rented all the major Christmas horror movies, hence I had to wait until after Christmas to see some of the more interesting titles. We watched several movies, and we still have Gary Busey's The Gingerdead Man for tonight, but our favorite had to be Santa's Slay.

First and foremost its just superior in terms of film making to most of the other movies we watched. The whole pace of Santa's Slay felt natural and entertaining, and right around the midway lagging point we were rewarded with a pretty awesome snow mobile chase sequence! Really awesome, our main characters jumped cars, huge hills, basically any and everything that came into view on that snow mobile. In general the killing sequences were also pretty good, sort of similar to the Terminators opening sequence only instead of Arnold, its Santa walking around taking out groups of dumbfounded people in bars, strip clubs, etc. Then you have professional wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, which was compelling since he looked pretty scary. This is no trivial point, many Christmas horror movies have a real hard time making their Christmas-themed villians scary, for instance it was hard to feel spooked by the evil snowman in Jack Frost just because his eyebrows were pointed down menacingly. Luckily, Bill Goldberg's huge hulking form and exuberance make up for his cute Santa suit, and he still comes across as someone you wouldn't fuck around with.

Unfortunately, the storyline of Santa's Slay is not one of its strong points, so I won't go into explaining why Santa is actually the spawn of Satan or why he has got it out for our main protagonist. I will mention that the favorite Canadian pastime, curling, does feature heavily in the story, and that the main backstory is told in a claymation sequence, fun! One of my only other complaints is that Santa's Slay had the capacity to perhaps go a bit more serious and scary, but instead remained mostly comedic throughout. Overall it was a great little holiday gem, which is a lot more than I think I'll be able to say about The Gingerdead Man tonight.